FALL ON YOUR KNEES

Julie Thixton February 3rd, 2019

No one gets a cancer diagnosis and goes, “yippee, my time to shine.” No, really, no one. Oh we try to be brave, buck up with a militant bravado, “God’s got this” speak. And He does, no question, yet when we hear that word, ‘cancer',’ our face goes pale, our hands get clammy and we lose our spit. When we smile in brave surrender, our lips stick to our teeth. It pretty much just sucks. There is so much that goes through your mind, so many virtual roads you go down, so many what ifs, that you just scare yourself. I remember when I received my diagnosis, I said, “Nope.” Then I said, “Okay, now what?” Then the doctor said, and I kid you not, “This is the best kind you can have.” Wait, what? There’s a “best kind? Are we shopping right now for the best kind of cancer a girl can get?” Then there was a string of medical mumbo jumbo, surgeons I should see, treatment plans I should consider, radiation schedules, and all kinds of brochures and information packets all nicely tucked inside a pretty pink folder. I think I went home and had a glass of wine - for my boob’s sake. Forget my stomachs sake, it was a knotted wasteland by this time.

That Sunday, I asked for prayer in accordance with *James 5:14, and I started journaling my thoughts, feelings and scripture, but still I was running ahead trying to “fix” it, I was running in front of my fear, because you see fear does that. It makes you rabid, it conjures up despair, and hopelessness, and presents a false race that we think we have to run. No one knew that better than David who spent much of his life running from King Saul, who sought to kill him. But in his fear he sang, “I would have despaired unless I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord and let your heart take courage.” Psalm 27:13-14.

Thing is, God knew all of it. He knew my thoughts, He knew my fears, He knew my frailty of mind and spirit, and He never once withdrew His presence from me. He held my tears in His hands and He comforted me. The Great Physician comforted me with the words of hope and encouragement from my children, my friends and family, my pastor. Seek that. Pursue that, with all you have. Let it wash over you like healing oil. Don’t run from your fear because it will overtake you. You know, in a pride of lions, they always send out the oldest, weakest, battle scarred lion, with no teeth and no strength, to act as a decoy when hunting. This old lion places himself at the edge of a thicket and when the prey come bounding his way, running from the swift young lioness’, he steps out with a mighty roar, sending them right back into the gnarling teeth of the hunters. If they had only kept running towards the roar, they would have evaded the claws and the jaws of death.

Now I know this dreadful disease can be life ending. That’s a tough fear to face. But I also know that we are “fearfully and wonderfully made,” and that He knew the number of our days, before we ever lived a single one (Psalm 139:16), and that we cannot worry or fret our way into a single more minute. “For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.” (Philippians 1:21)

So, run to the roar. Look that nasty ole toothless lion of fear in the face and thump him on the nose as you run by. A good place to do that is on your knees. That’s where your help comes from. That’s what Job did after he lost everything. He fell on his knees and worshiped the Lord. Now, I don’t expect you to tear your clothes and shave your head like he did, but you can fall on your knees - and God will meet you there.

*“Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the Church to come and pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord.” James 5:1

© Baggywrinkle 2019